jarrodwhaley.com

I make films. I'm also a nerd.

Posts in technology:

How About A Tiny Dumbphone?

If your gigantic five-inch Teletablophoneblet gets stuck in your normal-sized pocket, now you can buy a dumbphone that will connect wirelessly to your gigantic five-inch Teletablophoneblet. That way you never have to use your useless gigantic five-inch Teletablophoneblet, and you can just use a dumbphone instead. Brilliant!

Or, you could just buy a phone that can be lifted by a single human being of average strength—if you’re one of those morons who enjoy usable products which weren’t designed by fucking idiots.

Just Talk Into Your Fridge, Dumbass

Just Talk Into Your Fridge, Dumbass

dumbass.

Gruber on Fonblets and Phablets and Florberts and Snurbults

Pair it with a Bluetooth headset so you don’t look like an ass while talking on the phone…

That’s the first time ever that Bluetooth headsets and Not Looking Like An Ass™ have gotten within nine light-years of one another. Gruber’s otherwise got a fair enough point though, I suppose.

Larry Page To The Rescue

Larry Page says Facebook is doing “a really bad job on their products”. Thanks for the keen observation, Captain Obvious.

Apple Will Go Bankrupt In Five Minutes

OK, give me my million$ in ad revenue now.

Ermahgerd, Samsung Is A Perv

No need to read the post. Just please look at these Microsoft ads, because money, and stuff!

PayPal, Please Kiss My Ass

You may have heard about PayPal’s recent changes to their User Agreement, which include a clause prohibiting their customers from taking part in any future class action lawsuit against them. This change feels a little shady to me, even if it appears to be a trend among large American corporations these days.

It turns out, as Shawn King illustrates, that there is a way to opt out of the amendment in question. It involves sending an actual, physical letter, because that’s more difficult for you. PayPal is classy like that.

My form’s in the mail.

OK, Hit Every Key At Once

Here, from the wikipedia article on typographic dashes, is a pretty priceless demonstration of just how much more pleasant a Mac is to use when compared with a Windows PC:

Rendering dashes on computers

[…]

  • In Mac OS X […] an en dash can be obtained by typing ⌥+-, while an em dash can be typed with ⌥+⇧+-.
  • In Microsoft Windows running on a computer whose keyboard has a numeric keypad, an en or em dash may be typed into most text areas by using their respective Alt code by holding down the Alt key and pressing either 0150 or 0151. The numbers must be typed on the numeric keypad with Num Lock enabled. In addition, the Character Map utility included with MS Windows can be used to copy and paste en and em dash characters into most applications—along with accented letters and other non-English language characters.

HP Decides It Ought To Make A Phone

Meg Whitman, quoted on The Verge:

We have to ultimately offer a smartphone because in many countries of the world that would be your first computing device. […] We are a computing company, we have to take advantage of that form factor.

Oh shit, is it 2006 already?

The Game Begins Again, Again

So, Amazon has announced a couple of updates to its line of tablets. Just as is the case whenever any new tablet is announced, tech journalists are falling all over themselves to draw a chalk outline around Apple’s corpse. Check out Tim Carmody’s dumbly titled (only for the page views, bro!) piece, “Amazon to Apple: the game starts now”:

Ultimately, Amazon’s strategy here is to avoid engaging with Apple on Apple’s terms. If or when Apple launches an iPad Mini, it may blow Amazon’s devices away — but at least it will be on ground that Amazon, not Apple, helped to create. Still, you can imagine Apple’s marketing team preparing for another round of ads already: if it isn’t an iPad… it isn’t an iPad.

Great article. Except for, you know, the fact that “the game began” 2.5 years ago when the first iPad was released. Apple “carved out” the ground, and then Amazon stood on it while slapping together a crappy piece of “me-too!” garbage. But OK, whatever, yeah, these new Kindle Fires are the 9,006th and 9,007th tablets that are finally going to murder every iPad owner and burn their faces with white-hot Ninja Fire. It’s a fact! A history-erasing fact!

Look, to be fair: Amazon is definitely doing some things the right way–such as attempting to focus on ecosystem and not CPU clock-speeds–and Carmody’s article basically wants to tell that story. Unfortunately, that story is completely coated in provocative bullshit designed to make fangeeks angry, and thus click a link, and thus be advertised to. It’s seedy and gross, and it casts a bad light on whatever The Verge and other tech publications might publish.

Actually, I think all of our commercial news outlets work like that. Screw obvious truth, here’s some inane gibberish, watch this ad. It’s no wonder we’re a nation of drooling idiots.