jarrodwhaley.com

I make films. I'm also a nerd.

Posts Tagged ‘idiots’:

Apple Cuts iPhone Production, Says Noted Con Artist

Hayley Tsukayama, shoveling B.S. for The Washington Post:

Apple shares took a dip in early trading Tuesday, after an analyst report claimed that the firm is planning to cut production of the iPhone by 20 percent in the second half of the year.

As CNBC reported, analyst Brian Blair of Wedge Partners said in a note that the firm has cut smartphone production by a fifth — planning to make between 90 million and 100 million rather than an original projected range between 115 million to 120 million. The cuts, the report said, include production for the iPhone 4S, iPhone 5 and as-yet unreleased (and unconfirmed) next generation of the iPhone.

What if I could just lie through my teeth and say that Apple was going to sell zero iPhones next year? The stock would go down, and I could buy it up at a bargain price. Then, when Apple sells 15 bajillion phones back in Reality World, I’d get really rich. Hmm… If only people were stupid enough to fall for my transparent manipulations of both their minds and their markets…

iOS 7 Brings Out The Asshats

Here, for example, is Joshua Topolsky’s early take on iOS 7:

What I saw today at Apple’s annual WWDC event in the new iOS 7 was a radical departure from the previous design of the company’s operating system — what CEO Tim Cook called “a stunning new user interface.” But whether this new design is actually good design, well, that’s a different story entirely.

Here’s what he had to say last September about iOS 6 in his iPhone 5 review:

Don’t get me wrong, iOS is a beautiful and well-structured mobile operating system — but it’s begun to show its age. It feels less useful to me today than it did a couple of years ago, especially in the face of increasingly sophisticated competition.

The above opinions seem to fall into that Reverse Reality Distortion Field in which everything Apple does sucks, period. iOS 6 was “stale,” and then the second its design language changes, it’s “childish” and “confusing.” I’m not going to claim that Topolsky can’t be legitimately disappointed here, but something smells fishy when nothing Apple does will please the guy who said of the Galaxy Nexus that “There’s no lag, no stutter. Animations are fluid, and everything feels cohesive and solid.” No sane person who’s ever touched an Android device could possibly actually believe that to be true. Give me a break.

Noted Moron Eric Schmidt Flips Off Great Britain

Google’s ex-CEO and current Official Sayer of Stupidities Eric Schmidt thinks paying taxes in Great Britain is for plebeian shitmunchers.

The Independent:

Mr Schmidt defended his company’s practice, suggesting that its contribution to the UK economy was more important than the tax it paid to the Exchequer. “We are investing heavily in Britain,” he said. “We power literally billions of pounds of start-ups through advertising networks and so forth, and we’re a key part of the electronic commerce expansion of Britain, which is driving a lot of economic growth for the country. So from our perspective, I think, you have to look at it in a totality.

And then the asshat decides to add this little bon mot:

The people we employ in Britain are certainly paying British taxes, and more importantly, they’re British citizens and they’re driving a lot of GDP.

This sort of thing is easy enough to get away with in the United States, since our Congress is a wholly owned subsidiary of Whoever Has $1, but that bird may not soar so gracefully on the other side of the pond.

How About A Tiny Dumbphone?

If your gigantic five-inch Teletablophoneblet gets stuck in your normal-sized pocket, now you can buy a dumbphone that will connect wirelessly to your gigantic five-inch Teletablophoneblet. That way you never have to use your useless gigantic five-inch Teletablophoneblet, and you can just use a dumbphone instead. Brilliant!

Or, you could just buy a phone that can be lifted by a single human being of average strength—if you’re one of those morons who enjoy usable products which weren’t designed by fucking idiots.

HP Decides It Ought To Make A Phone

Meg Whitman, quoted on The Verge:

We have to ultimately offer a smartphone because in many countries of the world that would be your first computing device. […] We are a computing company, we have to take advantage of that form factor.

Oh shit, is it 2006 already?

Samsung Is Hilarious

Allow me to belatedly (and perhaps superfluously) make a quick comment on this whole Apple vs. Samsung rigamarole: Ha ha ha, hahahahaha. Ha. Ha! Ha.

But on a serious note: How can anyone find it acceptable that Apple spent five years pouring brainpower and money into inventing a thing that every single human wants, and Samsung said, “yeah, that looks like it’ll kill our phone business, let’s shit out a cheap copy ASAP and then act all righteous about having shat a sub-par simulacrum.” Come off it. Which do you turds hate more: Apple, reason, or quality gadgetry?

Media Executives Are Morons

So “content creators” have their panties all in a wad over Aereo, a service which allows subscribers in New York City to watch live television over the internet. They are dumb, stupid idiots:

Broadcasters also claim that Aereo threatens their license agreements with services like Hulu and would effectively kill advertising revenue — networks say there’s no viable way of tracking online viewership.

Great point, dumbasses. It’s a computer. It can track viewership. A television cannot. So, that was a really effing stupid thing to say, you jackass.

I like Chris Welch’s rebuttal:

These arguments seem rather hard to justify when you consider Aereo is extending the distribution of what’s already offered for free.

Yes, exactly. What are they supposed to be losing, anyway? I’m sick to fucking death of these media companies keeping us in 1957. It’s 2012.

Stop It, RIM, You’re Embarrassing Everyone

Just look at this garbage. I’ll bet you close the window the second the talking begins.

This is all the proof you need–outside of using one of their devices–in order to understand just how quickly RIM and Blackberry are swirling down the shitter.

The Future Is Retro

And I’d recommend checking it out if that link didn’t point to one of those damned idiotic pageview-pimping “slideshow” articles.

It’s Time To Get Real About Doodoo In Advertising

Here’s something that pisses me off: blatant scatology in television commercials. It’s out of control.

Here are some cartoon babies filling diapers with caca:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMeeP-5NN2g&w=560&h=315]

Here’s a cartoon bear with TP stuck on his ass:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBNcQgkXEWE&w=420&h=315]

Here’s an “honest discussion of what goes on in the bathroom”:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BD0nTCQEECg&w=560&h=315]

Hahaha, these politicians are fartmonsters, LOL:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ka7S0R9dhGg&w=420&h=315]

Give me a fucking break. Am I going to go out of my way to avoid buying any of these products? Hell yes. How’s that for a consumer reaction, you dumb shits (pun very much intended)?